During a recent conversation, I paused to consider a comment that came out of my mouth:
“As women get older their outrage and intensity increase and as men age they mellow.”
In my experience, as much as I’d like to deny it, generally it is true, but I really feel like it’s time we considered why. There are at least two reasons this occurs: society and biology.
From birth until menopause many women subdue their own needs and wants for the sake of the group whether that’s their work community, their social groups, or their immediate and extended family. This often occurs in deference to the males in the group. The question is, does this occur purely because of family or societal expectations or is there another subconscious factor at play?
The truth is, biology has a lot to do with the way the females in many species behave: all female mammals find themselves sacrificing their own wellness for those around them. Unconsciously, hormones dictate the way we behave and once we hit the reproductive phase of life, we are designed to do all we can to ensure our offspring carry on and our genetic line continues to survive. This is clearly evident in pregnancy, where the baby takes all the essential nutrients from the mother – leaving her to cope with whatever is left. To a lesser extent this continues into child-rearing years, through instinctive behaviour. However, it doesn’t always have to be women who have given birth: the same hormones, which may be amplified in pregnancy, exist in all women. Primarily, estrogen is the hormone responsible. It is a kind of “love fog” that dulls our senses to or own needs and wants, instinctively driving us to look after our clan and sacrifice our own needs to ensure the continuation of our own matriarchal line. There is a biological force behind the sacrifices we make to ensure the family unit functions well and those in our immediate orbit thrive.
However, once we reach menopause and our body’s production of estrogen diminishes we awaken to the fact that we have sacrificed half (or more) of our life for others with often little or no thanks for it. This makes women mad and feel like we’ve been taking advantage of. We feel foolish and angry with ourselves for letting it happen. We become enraged with our family/loved ones for always expecting us to take on this role and we become mad with society for imposing this upon us. If, at that stage we haven’t prepared ourselves during the transition phase (the perimenopause) women can become resentful and angry at everyone and everything. To peri and post-menopausal women it feels like the whole world has contributed to the situation they find themselves in.
The lack of understanding of this major transition in a woman’s life is, I believe, the cause of many relationship breakdowns at this age. Not only do the men not understand what a woman is going through but the woman herself is left wondering whether she is going bonkers. All too often a woman goes to see her doctor about this and the doctor’s response is to pull out the prescription pad and write a script for anti-depressants.
Unless a doctor has had extra training on the effects of perimenopause, like the woman in front of them, they are also flailing about in the dark. In a 10-15minute appointment doctors don’t have the time to understand what a woman is going through let alone explain the effect of the hormone changes, and how this not just effects her physically but also influences her emotional and mental state of mind. Medication is not a long-term solution, ever, but is often the only solution many doctors are equipped to give. Medication for perimenopause just dulls the pain or the symptoms. Understanding the true cause of what is going on brings about power and can be part of the solution or even the first step toward healing. It is the lack or knowledge out in the general community that causes society to think women are going crazy and becoming bitter and twisted for no obvious reason.
A brief note on men:
but now, back to the women going through perimenopause….
Although I am not discussing men’s hormones in this article I want to address the second half of the opening quote. As men age, their hormones also have an effect on their behaviours and personality changes. Testosterone levels begin to decline as men age ,which is part of the reason they begin to mellow, become less aggressive and many, although, not all, seem to take on a grandfatherly softer way of being in the world.
It has been said that at perimenopause is when everything that has happened in the first half of your life comes back for review (or back to bite you!). It’s like a report card on the way you’ve lived and treated your body up until now. Perimenopause is the time when everything becomes tumultuous and unless there is resolution of many of the things you have not dealt with (particularly issues you may have swept under the carpet) it can become a challenging and difficult time. Menopause years and beyond can be either the undoing or can be the impetus a woman needs to get off her butt and do the thing she’s always wanted to do.
This is one of the reasons I created The Pause Effect, a membership program for women during perimenopause or early menopause years. It is a program to gain clarity and purpose in your life. It helps deal with the health challenges as well as the mental and emotional upsets that go along with this time of a woman’s life. You are given resources to help you move through this transition with support and understanding as well as provide tools for your family and friends to become part of the solution and ways they can support you. Understanding what you are going through and how you can support your body, mind and spirit during this important transition is the outcome of this program.
If you want to regain power in your life and start to live an empowered life, then this could be the program for you. Sign up to be the first to find out the details of the next program which begins in 2023.
If you are looking for support and want action NOW the send me a message and let me know your challenges. You can book in for a one-on-one appointment or a 20 minute chat to find out how I can help you.
No-one wants to be the grumpy old woman arguing with the shop assistant or complaining to family that no-one takes them seriously anymore. So now it’s up to you – what are you going to do to prevent yourself from becoming that person?