It’s a tricky topic. Some women have told me the desire is no longer there which is a normal response for women due to the depletion of the reproductive hormones. During perimenopause, however, there will most likely be a see-saw effect in your libido: going from a low (or no) desire to a sudden even wild desire for sex. Although eventually, with the reduced hormone levels, this intimate activity with your partner can just become a distant memory as most couples tend to have less or no sex after menopause. This might be OK if you are single and not interested in a partner, but even then, are you sure you never want to feel the euphoria of a climax in your body ever again?
What exactly is going on behind the scenes (ie: inside the body). exactly what going on at this time of our life and the many different ways we can prepare our bodies and minds to bring back the romance (and desire) in the bedroom.
As mentioned above, during the perimenopause the reproductive hormones, that are responsible for sexual desire start to diminish. On top of that, estrogen, the hormone responsible for plumping and lubricating our own sex organs intermittently goes AWOL eventually almost permanently leaving the building. At the same time, your partner may also be feeling a lack of motivation – as suggested in this interview.
If you’re not ready to “shut up shop” here’s a step-by-step guide on how to tackle the lack of action in the bedroom.
1. Let’s talk about sex baby
Just like you might have had to have that uncomfortable “Sex talk” with your kids – this is probably going to be another one of those talks you wish you didn’t have to have, but after having it you will feel all the better for having explained the “facts of life”. It can be particularly difficult for you and your partner if, up until this point, things have just seemed to flow and you’ve never really had to talk about your desires in the bedroom. The three most important points to get across are:
- This is a normal biological change occurring in your body that happens to almost every woman (explain the whole deal about your reproductive horomens being responsible for your sexual desire in the first place and how they not only affect you body but also your mind)
- Your “natural”( hormonally induced) desire may have reduced but you still love your partner and want to have an intimate relationship with them
- There is more than one way to approach this, but you will need a bit more forward planning with more “warm up” time – ie: extended foreplay is definitely in order
2. Create the right environment
Expecting everything to just flow the way it always has just isn’t realistic at this time in your life for all the reasons explained above. It’s time to remind yourself & your partner of what it was like at the beginning of your relationship – when you may have burnt candles in the room, had so soft sensual music playing and worn a sexy outfit to get you both in the mood. Scheduling a regular “date night” can be a fun way to get all this happening again – with each partner taking turns to lead the activities. Even just watching a raunchy movie together before the planned event can help get your body and mind into the right frame of mind.
3. Find artificial support
Sometimes, it’s not your lack of will, but just your body that’s not “coming to the party”. You might be mentally up for sex, but your body might not be responding the way it used to which can lead to painful sex for both you and your partner – that’s a big turnoff.
It’s time to invest in a good quality vaginal moisturiser or lubricant and either get yourself appropriately prepared beforehand or make it part of the foreplay. There are quite a few on the market – I recommend choosing one with natural ingredients that doesn’t increase the pH of your vaginal tissues or contain preservatives or irritants (such as alcohol) . Coconut or olive/nut oils can be easy to find options, but they do break down silicon condoms, so if you are still getting your period may not be effective for contraception. Water-based products can be found at “adult” book shops or if you don’t like the idea of being seen entering one of these, try your local health food store or even the supermarket.
4. Food and Medicine
If you are a lover of oysters, then they might be something to put on the menu on your”date night”. There are other foods also known to increase sexual desire too. Alternately there are specific herbal medicines or supplements that are useful for women at this time not just for helping with menopausal symptoms but also to increase sexual desire – so you are getting more than one benefit from them. Things such as Daminana, Schizandra and others, but you need to talk to your naturopath/herbalist to find out which ones would most benefit you.
5. Reduce the Stress in your life
Stress and other health conditions can be an issue at this time. Particularly sleep issues, as once you get to bed you probably t just want to sleep but if your partner has other ideas, this can add to the strain in the relationship and increase the stress. Get help for your stress and/or sleep issues (click on this link) and investigate the possibility of other illnesses if your libido suddenly diminishes never to return.
If all of the above doesn’t help – find support – including seeing a therapist or even reading books that discuss this topic. In the book “Mating in Captivity”, by Esther Perel, she talks about boredom in the bedroom being one of the major causes of reduced libido at this time and discusses ways to re-establish the romance. But whatever you do find something that works for you and your partner and can continue that important intimate connection long into your old age.