Empty Nest Syndrome is a term for the emotional changes felt by parents when their children leave home. It usually has a bigger impact on women and often occurs around menopausal age (as if we need another thing to deal with at this time!).
When the children (and sometimes a partner) leaves “the nest” women can be left feeling abandoned, useless and unloved. At worst, it can instigate or worsen women’s feelings of anxiety and even depression.
Why Does this occur?
One of your main purposes in adult life (biologically and socially) has been to raising a family, but once they leave (often with not so much as a thanks for being there Mum!) , it seems like in an instant this important role has disappeared. Even for women with a fulfilling career, motherhood is still a major part of their life. We might complain about the routine of having to cook, clean and run around after the kids but it is usually a chore that has some reward.
- Although not always acknowledged, we know we provide value to our children’s lives – even just the day to day chatter and banter is part of the family dynamics and energy in the house.
- We get to feel like we can help our kids when they are having troubles with friends or aren’t chosen for “the” team they tried out for.
We didn’t realise, but once they leave, it can feel like there’s no-one who really “needs” us. The space we now have (and have often longed for) can leave a huge gap in our life.
I know because I have felt this, although it has been a gradual change. It began when my oldest child passed his driver’s license and started driving himself everywhere, I felt a strong sense of sadness. We no longer had those incidental conversations in the car on the way to and from school/sport/friend’s houses. I felt our relationship was drifting apart. He was able to get himself to all his sporting and social activities, consequently I felt less connected to what was going on in his life. I could still talk to him at home, at meal-times and around the house, but the one word answers and lack of in-depth communication was much less than before.
Next change occurred when his first girlfriend arrived on the scene. I was no longer someone he would turn to when he wanted some female advice. In some ways all this was a blessing in disguise as it was the first steps in emptying the nest… When he did finally leave home as I had already come to terms with the fact I took a back seat.
3 Things I have learnt from my experience:
- Soak up the good times you have with your children, particularly the things that seem so run-of-the-mill, everyday activities.
- Enjoy driving them around and having the “side-to-side” communication opportunities when you can (I am relishing the last few months I have of this with my daughter)
- Start a new project: one of those things you always wanted to do but you just have never had a chance to.
The last point really is the first step in re feathering the nest: now that the old “projects” have grown wings and flown the coop, it’s time to redecorate with new projects. This could also mean re-invigorating old relationships that may have been a little neglected – your partner, other family members or friends.
Once you no longer have the responsibility of doing so much for others, you are able to focus on yourself. I have started a new hobby – pottery – and am loving putting time and energy into this.
Menopause is a time when so many changes are occurring both on the inside and out. One good thing about our kids leaving the nest is that the hormones that promoted care and attention of those around us are slowly diminishing – leaving us time to care for ourselves more. We just have to start embracing this concept because we’ve never had this freedom and often enough we don’t have role models to guide the way. If you have noticed some pangs of sadness regarding family members leaving and want to get ahead of the game to be ready to “refeather” the nest, get in touch, even just a conversation with someone who doesn’t think you’re mad and who can give you strategies to support your own well-being can be beneficial. I am currently offering a 30 minute free “min-consultation” in return for giving me 30 minutes of your time, to answer some questions I will be using for upgrading my current program “The Pause Effect” workshop series for women transitioning to Menopause. Offer available until 30 April 2022.
By the way, my son’s back now (he only left for 3 months!) and I have realized I definitely did not miss the smelly shoes and mansplaining that I need to draw the line with!
Want to read more about Empty Nest Syndrome – click here or got to the workshop page to see if The Pause Effect is right for you.